It all started with me being a stressed-out mess a couple of weeks ago. Somehow, in the middle of a normal conversation, I busted out crying. I knew that the cause of all the noise was work-related issues looming on the horizon, but I hadn't expected them to affect me so much.
After I calmed down a bit, I tried to apologize, but when I tried to speak, I just began crying again. While all this was going on, I felt so guilty about burdening someone else with my "baggage". It wasn't her fault that I was a stressed out crazy person due to work pressure and chronic insomnia.
But my listener didn't criticize me or try to get out of the situation. Instead, she gave me a huge hug and let me get over my tears and drama. As we talked, she gently chided me for trying so hard to be a "super Christian" with no problems or struggles.
She also challenged me to be more open with you, my readers, since ALL Christians have struggles in their lives. If I was waiting until I was a "spiritual giant" with no problems BEFORE I wrote any blog entries, the blog would quickly become extinct!!
I must admit that my pride took a blow at being so "weak" in front of another person. But as I thought about it, I realized that it was JUST my pride. That's always been a weakness of mine, & here it was, rearing its ugly head again!
I was also apprehensive about considering vulnerability in a public forum like a blog. Security has always been a hot button issue for me, because I used to work in criminal justice. So I tend to keep my personal "gunk" private. But I also feel called by God to write this blog, which means that sharing my personal stuff is part of the deal.
I know that, when it comes to TRUE security, that can only come from God. I remembered Psalm 91:4-7: "He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark. You will not be afraid of the terror by night, or of the arrow that flies by day; of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, or of the destruction that lays waste at noon. A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; but it shall not approach you." [NASB]
I see now that, if God has called me to this, then my security lies in HIS hands. So I guess that means that you, my readers, will get to know more about me, my personal struggles, and hopefully some of the victories along the way.
In case you're wondering, the work-related stuff worked out OK, although it was a difficult and challenging situation. I was in a scenario where I could easily have failed, but managed to make it through without crashing and burning. My insomnia, which is due to a medical condition, played a major role, but God gave me the strength to endure and emerge victorious. My tears over the whole situation were wasted water.
Sometimes, even as Christians, we experience victory "by the skin of our teeth ", but it is still a victory nevertheless. In my case, it was a near thing, but it was NOT an "epic fail", for which I am sooooo grateful. Failure could have meant serious consequences for me professionally, but as it turned out, my reputation and my Christian witness have remained intact. Which means that I "live to fight another day."
I think that God still has much to teach me about His perspective. If you'll keep "tuning in", I'll keep on sharing what I learn.
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